Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
