Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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