why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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