Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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