She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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