at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
