You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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