I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
