you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
