What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
