In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I love you. Go after that dick
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
