Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
