He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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