There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
