He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize