Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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