so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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