guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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