ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
