Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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