So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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