i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
