I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
