i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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