I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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