i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
