history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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