I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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