Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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