My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
