am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
ugly people sure do ruin things
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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