Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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