Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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