theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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