he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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