People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
