You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize