I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
