Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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