I can text with my tongue
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
