Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
