This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
