Im at strip club and am horny
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I just sharted jello shots
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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