life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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