If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
