Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
