This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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