dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
