Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
