Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
