Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
