bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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