my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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