at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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