It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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