Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
