Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
