Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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