she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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