FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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